Tashercrasher

2007-01-31T20:43:00.000-08:00

I like this guy and ive built him up in my head as just great, I want to talk to him, and I know I can becasue we have a few friend mutial friends, but I can't for some reason, its like ive built him up to be so great that I don't want to try to actaully meet him incase hes not what I think he is, even though I think hes pretty special for no apparent reason. I ned to get over myself and get things done.
as lernt from marnie the self dictation begins
dear head, please let me remove all my thoughs from you.
I want to not think so hard about things and get so not
thinking hard about everything. please let me just go on
and when the time comes I will let you be filled again

2007-01-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

Curled up on the couch alone
just sitting here pathatecially
Hoping that you'll walk through that door
I don't see you anymore
you don't see me anymore
we don't see anyone anymore

Don't ask me tonight

GRRRRR

2007-01-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

Ok so today I had a good 'ol friendly knock at the door and who was it? A woman from my building, I open my door and she introduces herself as my new roomate... ok woah, back it up back it up... my roomate. WHAT THE FUCK? where did this come from, why was I not told and can I have a couple of mins to get my shit together, shes not the best roomate apparently so this is not going to go well, the red flags are going up all over the place, I mean im going to give it 2 weeks, but that is 2 weeks, and that is that... I can't have stuff ruen this term again... I was really messed up last semester, I don't even know what was going on but I wasn't happy, this semester, im in a really good head place and I don't need anything messing with this...
anyhoo, on to other things good 'ol buddie of mine pretty much isn't talking to me and its breaking my heat just a little but im pretending that it isn't . Its becasue his "girl" is here now, Ive said all of 5 words to him in the last 2 weeks and thats odd, really odd, and when we talk even on msn its like a couple of word and then its peace out time. Its not just breaking my heart a little, its like big time, but on other news I heart another guy but I might have lost him someplace along the line in the last 3 years...

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T20:20:00.000-08:00

tis time... christmas is a meer 3hrs and 34 min away, children are literally going crazy at this very moment in anticipation for the big man to drop though their chimneys and leave them loads of christmas gifts... my run an eggnog (lait de poul) goes to you big red man thanks for bringing innocence back to some children

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE
spend time with those that matter to you
peace and love

My christmas miracle

2006-12-22T22:32:00.000-08:00

,
n
So today was a sad day for many people, the celebration of life was held for a girl that passed away a few days ago here, she was only 18, she has a twin, it's too soon for people to pass away

The good news is that my family cat was found today. Hes about hald the size that he used to be, and can't really walk properly due to not being able to eat for the last month. The nighbours land lord found our kittie in the guest house, Im so glad that he made it, hes just so sweet and lovable, I wonder what he was eating to stay alive, a month is a long time.

My sisters any I took some pictures for christmas for my mom, didn't have time to get them done at a classy photo place as were only togeter for a few days so we got my dad to do it, the shitty news is that walmart sent my pictures to vancouver to be printed becasue theres too much going on so now it dosn't even matter, I could have gotten them done well, what ever I guess my mom will get them eventually.
Heres some shots of them up top i guess
please note the uber classy winter boots that will eventaully be croped out...

Oh im finally able to read again so thats making me happy times 1,000,000,000 or so, Im reading One Hundred years of sulitude, so far so good, stoked to see where it goes.
As for school this semester... I effed up big time... at least theres next semester to make up for it
Peace out

Schools out for chrismas

2006-12-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

So I got home yesterday from Kelowna for a fabulous 13-21 days! wowzers hey. So my drive back was a little intresting, I got to pick up a friend of a friend to drive the 4 hours to nelson with. So I pick her up and shes looking rough, she gets in the car and wips out a barf bag, 5 mins later shes chacking... FUCKING GROSS! what was i suposed to do ive never even met this girl and shes chacking frick it was not cool. so then we embark on the 4 hour drive for her to sleep the entire time except to say some random remark every once in a while, that i never really understood what she siad becasue im fairly sure she was still drunk from the night before and was sluring her words like that was how it was do be done. Roads were bad, compact snow that caused me to fish tail several times, lame, slowed us down an entire hour... any hoo we got home safe and thats what matters.
Got to see my sister for the first time in 4 months it was good I really missed my family, we went and got the christmas tree today it was pretty quick
My cats gone... its been gone a month, and so is the other one that my family kind adopted at the end of the summer, my dad thinks that a cougar got them... Its sad, I don't like thinking about it. I watched half of greys first season today it was nice... I like just being able to do dick all for a while its rather comferting.
Got drunk with tanner the other day and then we went and met up with the geog course union after party thiny it was intresting, good people with lots of joaks and good times lol.
I have to get a needle tomorrow! im relaly not looking forward to it but trying to put it behind me in my futuristic thinking.

count down to home

2006-12-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

so I havent blogged in a while, kinda forgot about it really, things have been pretty boring around here for about a month. Not much to do, lots of school work and putting off of school work. had a chirstmas party last saturday, I had alot of fun, but I also had a botle and a half of wine... hum... i wonder if that had anything to do with it... nah. Im super stoked to go home for christmas though i only get to see one of my sisters for 5 days as shes going to jett off to montrial to go play basket ball becasue she kicks ass... anyhoo... schoool... lots of work and im not putting the time in. my room mates been gone almost a week and wonte be back for another 5 0r 6 days...
My computer dies on me on a regular basis... it REALLY REALLY Sucks!
I don't want to give it up for it to get fixed but i think im gonna have to do it tomorrow even thought it may be the end of my social abilities, becasue im too lazy and dont care enough to visit with people right now. haha. what can I say lazyness wins for once and for all, Im gonna get about 2 weeks at home so that should be nice, im stoked to get to drive my dads new toy, it looks big and fun and just a little bit safer than my good ol sunfire thats been feeling a little less than stable these days.
on another note I baked 163 cookies today.
Worked on christmas presents and had a general disregard for school work, which in the long run is not in my favor. oops
Duno what else to say other than im gonna have to make my life a little more exciting after exams are over to make up for my lack of sweet ness this semester lol.
peace out

Im just pissed

2006-11-16T08:24:00.000-08:00

So my roomie is inlove with one of our best friends, that didn't go so well for her, and now she actually can't think or do anything really... she only does stuff with him, not with me, and she really dons't have any other friends becasuse she stopped haning out with everyone else. I ask her every day if she need/wants to talk and all she does is mutter his name and how she can't think. Im not going to go anywhere im gonna keep asking her, but the thing is im getting introble for not "being there" for her from D, but she dosn't want to talk to me, and thats that, i can't try but if she dosn't want to talk to me she dosn't want to, she only wants to be around him and im getting over that, im haning out with other people, apparently the bad move, but its the only way I actually get to be around people really, so what im getting at is im tired of this shit, and im gonna do what I want.

can't controle what I can't slow down

2006-11-11T00:44:00.000-08:00

I HATE being at"home" right now. It really fucking sucks. I just feel so unwelcome. My roomie is never home but at D's across the hall and makes it seem like shes making such an effort to be home for the odd hours that she is. and she never has time to do stuff that I want to do but as soon as D wants to do anything no matter how stupid it is, she'll drop freeking EVERYTHING to go and do what he wants. She ms all upset becasue shes moving toexico after christmas and is not gonna be able to see him, but then what does she think is gonna happen with me? Does she really think that im just gonna still be there? NO, when shes gone im still here. I guess she has her priorities set even though she is in love with him and knows that he dosn't feel anything for her in that way. and to top it all off I end up getting talkings too becasue I don't hang out with her, but shes never fucking home to hang out with and when ever I do wanna hang out with you she always invited D along. And yes I love the guy but for fuck sakes not always. Its starting to get to me on a huge scale. Then do i get invited along to their little outtings? nope, they just assume that i know that "I'm always invited" I call bull shit on thise. Im home on right now and the 2 of them just fucked off somewhere to do I don't even know what, but I assure you its something very christian.
It pisses me off how wraped up in my own fricking life I am. Theres so much other shit going on and I just pretend that I don't notice because I can't even deal with myslef right now never mind what the hell is going on with other people and heaven forbid the world.
Im finding that what Ive always thought I wanted to do might not actually be what I want to do, and that I don't have a clue where my life is going or what im going to do, I literally have to make these decissions like asap and its stressing the shit out of me. Right now I literally wake up do the bare minamum that I can do in the day, which usually includes skipping a class or two, and then coming home watching tv untill i feel i need to go to bed which is usually about 9:3o and then I go to bed, this is my life right now
I fucking hate it
I have no drive towards anything
Shit is just happining and the things that I can't stop or slow down happen

I think im gonna have to tell the guy I like that its not me being a bitch on purpose when I see him in person with other people, I just get nervous and loose my abilitly to say anything not stupid, and when I do talk I end up saying something stupid anyhoo, so it makes my lack of talking even worse.

WHY AM I ALWAYS UP IN MY FUCKING HEAD!

I just remembered about those glorious pink pills filled with coffie, I think i may dabbel in them tomorrow, see if that gets me anywhere.

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL
AND FIGHT WITH SOMEONE
AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY

but i don't have anyone that im that mad at and Im not feeling particulaty emotional right now, more along the lines of im a tooth that needs to be taken out but I have freezing so I can't feel the pain thats going on becsaue im so numb and my actuions will not be felt till the numbing subsides a few hours later, and I start popping the T3's

things I should learn

2006-11-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

When I do bad at school I don't know what to do. I dwell on it... I spend time telling myslef how stupid I am for doing that bad... that I should do better. I don't know how to move on and take it as a learning process, I dwell on it and spend usefull time telling myslef that im stupid. I don't move on and learn from my mistakes, I just dwell , and get into this cycle where I suck. I don't just think, but I know i need a change of pace, i need something to change or im gonna be stuck in my rut, and things will go no where, where did my motivation go?

drinks plus writing a book =

2006-11-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

So tonight we drank and wrote a book kieras when like tihs
well fuck i duno how to work blogger apparently so im gonna have to wate till i have the help of marnie or some other sweet person to do this with me

good? bad? who the fuck cares

2006-11-04T21:20:00.000-08:00

I am currently drinking over the internet with my friend from lethbridge and tanya. Is this sad? has anyone ever done this before? feed back please. I feel as if this is not a good thing, but yet im ejnoying myself.

the star on the tree

2006-10-30T18:56:00.000-08:00

I was making my list to do for tonight and It when like this:
[] Clean Room
[] Clean Kitchen
[] do geog readings
[] do geog paper
[] do extra french
[] pretend to be happy
[] give old clothing to big brothers big sisters
[] return boots
[] call parents
[] make plans for long weekend
I didn't even notice that I wrote pretend to be happy... it made me really sad to see that. Ive been so off latley, and I duno whats going on with me. Ive shut myself off in some ways I got tired of having emotions or sometihng, and now I duno how to turn them back on and its scaring me.

passing boat

2006-10-29T08:34:00.000-08:00

That ship has officially sailed, boy fucked up, his ex girlfriend still loves him, can't talk to him, were weird together if were around other people. the ship has sailed, its the decission that everyone told me to make but now ive made it. yayish. I feel slightly bitter today. Last night was such a gong show, im partially suprized that I was able to get up this morning. It was just so effing random... There was this one girl at the party and her sluttyness was just like straight from a movie, you know the run and jump and wrap aroung a guy and pretty much do him infront of everyone... that pretty much covers that. It was impressive and alot like a train wreck where you can't look away. So not so secretly I am a little sad that the ship has sailed I could have seen myself liking him, but its defenatly for the best, too much drama for my already bizzy life.

Friday night halloween rocks my socks off

2006-10-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

It was a good night for the most part, what can I say...

bull shiza

2006-10-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

Its true, like marnie says boys and girls can never just be friends, at some point one person always feels something towards the other, even if its just for a short amount of time, and this fucks shit up. Not only for those two, but if one does decided to proclame thier like for the other friend it fucks things up for their other friends, and they don't even think about it. And then in the end even though you had nothing to do withit you get fucked over and loose one if not two of your firends. ITS LAME relationships. and then theres the other girl/boy friendships where neither of you are attracted to the other but you seem to sabatage the other person potential relationships. It happens, they think their pertecting you but their just making you sad. not just i wanna eat some chocolat sad, but i need to pump fudge from DQ into your mouth sad, and when y and then theirs the other girl/boy friendships where neither of you are attracted to the other but you seem to sabatage all the others potentou don't "respect" what the oher person is telling you, you loose them becasue its to hard for them to see you with that person. FUCK ive had enough of this, i should just have nothing to do with guys as friends from here on out. things always get fucked up.

ice cream castles in the air

2006-10-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

"I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she siad
colour go to him
stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepaired to bleed
Oh your in my blood like holy wine
You taist to bitter, you taist so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
Still Ide be on my feet
Oh ide still be on my feet"
joni mitchell

Wow, it feels like every day things just get that much more intense and then I duno what to do just that much more. I get so confused and lost in some ways. I think my little building trio has been destroyed... infact I know it is and now im alone in my appartment for the next 2 nights and its scarry and sad, and I like the boy but I don't trust that he likes me and I have so much school work to do but I can't think about it becasue my mind is going crazy thinking about boy and how things have gotten so messed up with one of my friend circles... GHIAEHSFgtg;dkjfes/la pretty much thats where im at at this particular time. I heart music, and Im so nervous to hang out with this boy tomorrow I have the biggest butterflys going on in my stomach and I can't think. But at the same time I question if I actually like him... eeekkkkers ! why do I always second guess thing and go so crazy in my head? eff

Didn't drunk dial, not even once

2006-10-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

Ok so this was my birthday. I must say that it was over all pretty kick ass. These are me with my kelowna friends. I was so happy, not just drunk happy but when I didn't think I was just awesome happy, oh and p.s. me plus lots of booz plus heels, plus running = me falling down and not caring. Oh and don't forget to check out my sweet tat, that I got at some point in the night woak up with in the morning after forgeting about it and simply thinking, how did that get there. Dosn't everyone look pretty. Eff I love most of life.

Im so excited

2006-10-15T16:55:00.000-07:00

It's only a couple of days away and im so excited and everything woo hoo

its almost my birthday part one

2006-10-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

its almost my birthday, only 10 days away to be exact. and then on that faitfull day I will become 20. That means no longer a teen. This is ok I suppose as long as I can still be I duno what I was I guess?

Boy meets girl or is it girl meets boy?

2006-10-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

So just incase you cant read it what is says first is "boy meets girl, they fall in love for the night" and then when there in the "car" it says Boy and girl drive home together taking about how sweet the night was, exspecially seatshop union where they had a kick ass time"
This on is where the "girl thinks about the boy" and then the girl sees the boy at school and freeks out and runs away
Lastly the girl lies in bed, or just anywhere for that matter and thinks about boy becasue it is a full moon and she is a litttle crazy

This pretty much summs up how I work with boys in one fun little compic, or rather crapy computer drawn re enactment of how I work, which in the long and short of it summs up LAME

Talking with what was once a firend

2006-10-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

Im am yet again blaiming it on the full moon. Last night when I was dreaming I had a dream that seems to drag on for the entire night. It started as just a bunch of people on some sweet trip in I believe Salmon arm, like everyone even some wierd girl from school that I never even really knew in first year. From there it goes to me and tanya in the public bathroom and what happens there? I have a baby! yeah just like that. It was cute. Then Im walking around trying to figure out what im going to do with this baby... um hum... odd... so then I remember that I actually want the baby and I start to care about it, next things next go baby shopping. Then see a friend who I haven't really hung out with since highschool and remind her that shes having a baby shower for me seeing as well me having a baby was such short notice. Then Im in a bathroom of a hotel in prinction with rob, and Im like are you ready to see the baby... and he was like ok so I showed it to him, this time the baby is brown. Hum... then I tell him that hes the father, becasue well theres no other chance of anyone else being the faher. And he was like are you sure and then we look at the baby and it looks exactly how you think he would look if he were a baby and we agree yes. Then I walk away and say I don't need some uncommitter in out life with us, and he stands there like he dosn't get it andI walk away. K now this is where things get a little wierd. my parents arent in this dream but the babys other grand parents are in the dream and their not robs parents there i don't know who, but they love the baby and let me go out with friends so that I can still figure out who I am. So that night in Princton we go to a hockey game and its a weird assortment of people, pretty much everyone that I have ever remotley hung out with since 1st year. Rob sits next to me and trys to talk about "our" baby, then he gives me a hug and a kiss and people start throwing stuff at us from behind, turns out that there robs cousins from van and they think im a trashy white girl. He says he dosn't wnat anything to do with the baby, and so I went out that night and got shitfaced with his friends, and after that night they think hes retarted. the dream goes on from there but its pretty much just me shopping for baby stuff and trying to figure out how I had a baby... but being oddly ok with it.
I don't really get this dream at all... pretty sure im not looking forward to the drive back with him on monday, and that im going to have to get alot of schol work done this weekend, as well as loads and loads of baking so that I can do french on monday with celinner and such.

there just so much to think about

2006-10-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

Ok so the beautiful Nalgene bottle... turns out there not so good for you. Turns out the longer you have them the worse they are for you... and don't even think about washing them in the dishwaser. Nalgene bottles are made out of a plastic with Bisphenol A in it. Now when you wash these bottles the exstreem temperature your dish washer creates causes the bottle to break down and the Bisphenol A to be exsposed... Know what this means? It releases estrogen as well as estrogen like substances... the leves are low, but more and more bad news is being printed about it... in the end what I understood is if your gonna use a nalgene bottle get rid of it once the print is gone at least, and don't wash it in the dish washer... on the scientific studies that I read they clame to no longer use them, so is this a case of them knowing more or just I duno something esle.

I also hate the fact that some people in Quebec want to leave! what is up with that? The sad thing is that half of them don't even understand what Quebec leaving actually means? like do they think that quebec will still function the same way that it does now being part of Canada? Is their currency going to change? I just don't get it. I worked with a group of French Canadians that were 16 and 17 from a sepreatest community in Montial this summer and they all felt that why but when I questioned them or asked them to back it up... they honesty had no clue. How can people clame to be so pasionate and clearly decided on a topic and have literally nothing to back it up... humph.... and now our good old government is cutting some of the only programs that Canada has to try and permote unity. Why is our counrty trying to destruct its self from the inside out. FRICK and I rambel and rambel on.

It's just the full moon talking

2006-10-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

The phone calls, the "plans", the visit, the infamous MSN convos, and the talk... it's all the moon. Slowly from marn and tanner I have begun my quest of learning and "feeling" the moon, if that makes any sense. The moon messes with people, changes emotions and messes with your head, believe it even if you don't its true... and its there in full force. its effed up.
I duno if I actually like this other guy, it might just be that im kinda needy and he gave me attention... who knows though, ill be seeing him some time around and well see how that goes.
Im actually really excited to be home right now to tell you the truth. I love it here
and fall is my favoritest season. I actually dream of trees and how pretty they are in their oranges, yellows and random other colours. Its just beautiful and makes me feel at peace. Ive been thinking about my favorite place to swing too. its like a min walk from my house. The swings are right beneath some huge maple trees and you can just swing for hours in the leaves and then try and stretch as far as you can with your legs and tough a massive branch of the tree. Its just nice. It makes me happy.

do what eye want but I don't wanna

2006-10-03T22:51:00.000-07:00

So ive decided that I guess I do like him?

Went to the Madd Hatter Toxic Tea Party this last weekend, it was pretty good times, Sweatshop union was head lining and I was literally RIGHT there, i even got to touch some of them. They are good times, this is the second time ive seen them and they seriously rock my socks. A few bruses later, a drunken fall onto the stage and some not so appropriate touching later an almost buddie (in the friend way) came and saved me from grinder boy, and the night was on. It was good.

I didn't think that I liked him, at all, but now, im thinking about him, and not thinking about other hims, does this mean I like him? even before this weekend I would get a smile on my face when I would see him. This all seems like its new to me or something? How do I like him, hes totally not what I go for on a regular baisis. Lets see, he smokes, MAJOR no no, he does drugs, again a no no and just in generaly is not what I go for.

ah well

friday was sweet too, some peeps came over including marnies pretty sweet friend from Van city who turned out to be pretty cool. im impressed,

anyhoo, its apparently past my bed time becasue im uber sweet, oh and p.s. rob came over tonight and it was totally ok, no feeling emotional, or like i didn't want him to go or that I wanted him to go asap, it was just there.

The days of summer when bra's were an option

2006-09-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

when the moon is in the seventh house....

2006-09-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

a shout out to the male models
So this is my week up intill today, its just there pretty much, one of those weeks where things happen but in the long run nothing really happens at all.
Sunday, attended church for the 2nd time im my life, sans daniel too which was good
Monday, attended alive, a youth church group, and saw a ton of really good looking guys, is it wrong that I use the church partly to scope out hot guys?
Tuesday, Daniels birthday, ate way to much cake and chinse food
Wednesday, UBC O church group BBQ, met guy I once had a crush on's fiancie and some how signed up to be part of their group?
Thursday, didn't go to school, did waves training, attempted to teach about drugs and alcohol, sucked ass at it, came home got dressed and went out for drinks with a couple of people that don't drink? and got to sit next to a male model who used to work for Ralf Laurn and is now doing a campain for Abacrombie and Finch, and yes he was very hot. Funny enough his parents live about 10 min from my paretns. Small world I know. He was hot and nice... good mix....
Friday, didn't go to school, parents came out went shopping, got karyns costco card taken away, kuz apparently I don't look like her mom... Hung out with my parents had a family dinner and yeah watched a movie on daniles big TV
Saturday, family came for breakfast, then my dad got my car fixed and then they bought me coupous amounts of veggies and fruit from various markets and stands makes me happy, then we did dinner and then to the hotel pool for some swimmin and hot tub, rather nice actually
Sunday- today, not wanting to do anyhting becasue i still feel sick, but must go to the school to study as I have 2 midterms and a paper due this week. EEEKKKKKKK

Why don't boys get it?

2006-09-18T17:49:00.000-07:00

I was in a store the other day in the mall when one of the store clirks beckoned in a man waiting just outside. While walking in to see his girlfriend in the back who was tring on a dress, I herd him quietly say to himself "wow, she looks amazing".
It was so cute, and in that moment I had so much hope for guys, it was just so cute!
Then I herd him make a huge mistake. When asked by the girlfriend what he thought of it he said "it looks fine" how does fine and amazing equal out? Silly silly boy.
Does he even know how good it would have made her feel to hear him say those words, there is no way that saying the words that just moments i herd escape his lips could have harmed him in any way, the result probably would have been her feeling good about herself and him being made to feel good about himself through doing that.
On to a new topic, I would like to make a top ten list of things that I need to do this school year, It will be in no particualr order or necessarly make any sense:
1.) attempt to do centurian
2.) call my g-ma a least once every two weeks
3.) get my ass into gear and get an 80% average this year
4.) hoast a kick ass party
5.) do something nice for some one for no reason
6.) make a new friend
7.) make my old friends know their awesome
8.) have the best costume at a costume party
9.) have a picknick
10.) go swinging this fall so that I can kick my legs in a pile of leaves....
not that intresting i know...

I KNOW tonight is going to be a GOOD NIGHT

2006-09-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

well lets see tonights
Its going to go like this
Drink LOTS
go to the well, drink more, have an awesome time, see EVERYONE
tell some chick thats starting shit that "if my man sees her tits im gonna punch her in the Fagina" and that will be that
probaby stumble into a cab and make it home at some random part
eat something that i don't even want and go to bed
how could i not be excited

tears for nothing

2006-08-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

I can't stop crying. I don't get it, im SO emotional right now and theres no good reason for it. Make it go away, someone, anyone... just make it happen please. I cry over good things and over literally nothing. im just sad.
send me a kiss and a hug and ill feel better

everyone is SO deep

2006-08-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

I move to kel town tomorrow
woot woot
I have a loft appartment, do you know how sweet that is, the sweetest thing ever.
Im thinking about matt and andrew alot lately, can you tell that im getting needy and want to cuddle with someone lol. I am SO lame, but honestly does it matter? I have a loft
This year is gonna be so kick ass I can feel the drama building as we speak, its like filling the air with a buzz thats just going to get everyone so hoped up, I really wonder what its going to be... I guess we'll have to wait and see it unfold. Bunch of ppl arent coming back this year, but that also means that a bunch of fresh new people are going to be coming which is pretty kick ass
count down to drunk town, T-0 days.
Oh p to the s im majoring in drinking and boys this fall, i mean fuck it this is suposed to be the best years of my life so lets kick it up a notch or 2, fuck life rocks my socks oof

don't pick up the phone, ive moved

2006-08-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

So that guy I meet a little over a week ago... well im beginning to think that hes a little crazy?
hes been calling almost every day and latley hes been freeking out becasue I haven't been home on who ever he talks to be it my mom or sister. He starts yelling at them literally demanding where I am, and threataning to come over. Where the hell did he come from? Literally I don't even know what happeneing. I talk to him one night and then a week later hes freeking out and I don't even know him, he keeps saying how he HAS to talk to me.
Im so glad im moving. I really don't want to deal with this. I just hope that he dosn't bug my parents anymore.

six hours and Im in love

2006-08-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

E-W0k Village
Fractial Forest
All I have to say is WOW.
Shambhala is fricking so awesome.
P.S. not as awesome for those of us who arent messed up on drugs as those that are....
But actually it was pretty good times. The stages were so awesome, and the good thing about being around ppl that are messed up is you can dance how ever you want and everyone loves you.
We had to wate in line for 6 hours to get in. Meet some of the people in my camp, handed out a couple thousand condoms, it was pretty much an awesome time. I mean don't get me wrong there were a few messed up people there but you just stay clear.
We had about 20 people at our camp, it was super cool, there was like no where to walk but it was cool to have that many people around.
I think that everyone should go up there at some point to see it, if your sober or drinking only go with other people that are doing the same though. You learn alot about what you don't want to be doing but also its such a sweet place and you can just dance.
Last night I saw the guy from elementary school that all the guys were friends with and all the girls had crushes on but then suddenly moved away, but came back every once in a while looking just as good, and it was sweet, he looked so good, he even saved me. I was walking through about 1000 ravers when I triped and he caught me before I fell into the mud that the ground had become, he gave me a little hug, neither of us said anything and I walked away.
If thats not love then I don't even know what is...

Then he hit them with a baseball bat

2006-08-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

I have never seen any human act as stupidly as I did last night. I went out with some of my friends from school in a tiny little town and everyone was just having a good time, then right around when people were starting to leave these 3 guys drive up in their little sporty cars and pulled out some baseball bats and beat the shit out of two guys and a girl. They didn't know them at all they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Which happened to be about 15 feet behind me, makes me a little worried that had I been just 10 seconds slower I might be the one on the ground.
When you mess with one person in a small town you mess with everyone in that age group. Seconds after the guys drove away all the people between the ages of 17 and 26 were planing on how they were going to eff up the guys and "kill them" if it came to it.
Personally I don't like that kind of drama. It dosn't fly so well with me, I have no tolerance for violence really.
I hope I never see something like that again.

I am now officially almost athletic

2006-07-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

So I got new running shoes, slaped on all my name brand atheltic clothing and went for a run. I literally have just this much time on my hands. I even sweated, and not just from the heat. Im going to guess that this little spirt that I seem to be on (I've started to road bike, swim, canoe, and now run) will last approxamitly 1.5 more weeks before either I get board or my shoes arent as pretty. There a really good chance that I wonte even make it that far.
Its been super duper hot out here, like were talking getting into the 40's and stuff, literally all you can do when its like that is lounge in the shade and not do to much, it's actually at the point where its hard to sleep at night becasue its so hot
So my bottle drive for the SPCA didn't go as well as I had hoped that it would. we still raised almost 450$ but I mean we could have done so much more, it's not like those animals can really feed themselves, or fix themselves when they get hurt.
im feeling much better now though my time of moping is done and gone and im in exstreem getting things done mode, even though im sluggish becasue of the heat... oh well.
I'm really liking doing piano lessons, the little kids that im teaching seem to like me so that makes thing nice.
Im doing some secretary work at one of the Dr. offices this week and next week so that ill be nice.
I got offered RA in one of the new dorms at UBCO, not going to take it though becasue I actually have a valid reason aside from I don't want to, I would have to go back on the meal plan and I have alergies to nuts that have goten really bad, thanks nuts, I thought nothing good would ever come from you

Puffy eyes and fruit juice

2006-07-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

I hate this week and long for it to be finished, even though it means that I'm just one more week closer to this summer being done.
I had to deal with the meanest lady ever yesterday who literally told me I don't matter, and then today while in the local walmart, what happens? But someone hits my car and drives away. gee great. Just what ive needed, that just spun me into crazy girl faze and I cried for a good long while and now I have puffy eyes and im slightly agatated because all Ive had today is some crispers and veggie Fruit Plus as so i can get my dailey fruit and veggies.
Seriousley this has sucked, and i can feel the tears coming on again, and for on apparent reason, i hate being a girl for this reason, and i hate that someone hit my car and drove away, and now I need to get it fixed... again... GAHHHH
Better things will come,
marn and tan you thought that june would suck for ya, well I took all the suck and shoved it into July and hogged it all for myself so fear not.

The Adventrues of Big Blue and the Frenchies

2006-07-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

Butt shot I know, but it give you an idea of one of the spaces we had to crawl through,oh p.s. this girl is about the size of a toothpick and its freezing water beneath her.

This was the first area that we had to go through, you had to stick your arms though and then push up a few inches and turn, and do it again for about 2 min to get though, the day before we did it a guy got stuck. eeek.
So

I heart this pic, its where we camped for the glorious Wakefest

So this summer is coming along as well as it should I guess.
visited with some people that I wanted to, and some I didn't.
Didn't see lots that I wanted to see.
Over all im going to give it a B+ on the scale of sweetness.
My sister gets back from Ierland tomorrow so that i'll be sweet to see her again.
Im working pretty much every day, which is something new for me. I've got 3 jobs right now, I nanny for 2 familys and one of them I teach piano too also, and then Ive got the exchange. I just did a ton of media for it... I look like an idoit on the T.V. Part of it and then I probably sound like an idoit in the newspaper articles, but luckly on the radio they just talk about my they don't actaully have me talk this time, fewfer.
Caveing scared me but it was actually so cool, It was really good for me to do it, it showed me that I can do things and enjoy them even if they scare me.
I may be going to shambhala this summer now to hand out condoms to prevent STD's STI's as well as unwanted children. Sounds like fun hey? Who really knows

your officially actually in my black book

2006-07-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

"If Only I Could Sing A Lullaby To Kiss These Fears Good Night"

So unfortunatly I have come to the general consenses that its best for me to not be friends with people that I have had pseudo relationships with for 14 months. I guess it turns out bad. Who would have guessed? Im seriously regretting wanting to do the whole friends thing. It worked for a while, but then last night he threw something in my face that was just plane hurtful, talking about his new almost girl. Great hey. Have I ever talked to him about anything that has happened with me and other guys? noppers. Thats when things get wierd. When he said things that made me sad, I did the natural thing and came back with something that would make him feel dirty, I informed him that some of his friends that he graduated highschool with used to babysit me. If that dosn't make you feel a little dirty about some things that have happened I really don't know what will. ah well, at least he didn't like that one so much so on the scale of stabbings of heart between the two of us I have several points, to bad he has a bizzilion. Guess its going to have to be a while before im friends with him again if ever. Hes always going to be the one guy that every girl has (boys have girls too) that you never get over in a sense. At least I have acknowledged it I guess and I understand thats just how it goes. It buggs me that I never even got to have a fight with him were I told him how much he hurt me and everything, well I got to yell out all my frustration. I think it would have been good for me.

Im so excited on another note though, Neighbour is coming and so is D!!!! woo hoo, this is oging to be so fun! I can't wate lol

http://www.aspenswitzer.com/ liam check her out she has the most beautiful voice ever. I love her song that is called lullaby on a banjo. I just heart it for no real reason.

poofie haired brown boy

2006-07-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

sometimes im just upset for no reason, one min im super happy and having a good time and then something little happens and i just want to cry. My car has the hugest scratch ever on it and I guess im not very ok with it. Why would some one do that to my car? I mean why? sigh. It's just not ok.
Anyhoo, other than that things are really good, I went to kelowna and such and kamloops and salmon arm and everything was super fun so thats all good i guess. Marnies out visiting now and its nice and we went on a bike ride and then on a canoe it was good. With the help of 'ol marnie I figured out that I guess im always gonna have a soft spot for the "poofie haired brown boy" and I guess im just gonna have to be ok with that so cheers to everyone.

I want the Za Za Zoo.

I hate pretending I don't care

2006-06-26T23:32:00.000-07:00

2006-06-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

"you have to remember.. love happens when you dont really expect it... people always like to classify love,, but you cant really... its a passion for the person... a thing that makes you step in front of a truck for em........" -D

road trip anyone?

2006-06-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

So it looks like everything with the exchange that im working for is starting to all come together for once, and I's stressing just a little with all the responsability that I have with this one, they keep giving me money that they trust im going to spend wisley, and I know I will becaue I'm an honest person, sometimes I just wish that I was all of a sudden all bad ass or something lol... sometimes I just wish that I could pull a dust, but be sweet about it and just take off and do something for a while. Or like marnie and jsut plain DO IT. I think about things alot but when it comes to doing things I tend to fall a little short.
Were doing some renos at my house right now. It's driving everone nuts in my family becasue its all torn down but no one can decided on whats suposed to go up... I just want it finished and I want the hot tub in on the asap. I mean seriousley you think they could cater to me a little more I do only live at home for 4 months of the year they could help me out... jk... but not really, but I am?
I think that my future should involve spending other peoples money, I got to do that last summer with my job and I get to do it again this summer, I really like it to tell you the truth. I wonder if I could make a career out of it... Im sure I could just got to get in with the right crowd... who wants to hook me up with some people that have LOT's of money?
Im feeling like im on the verge of some kind of a break down. I have to decided where I want to live in less than a week, as well as pick my major, aka what I want to do with the rest of my life by 10 am tomorrow. so yeah im stressing just a wee bit.
So at the end of august who wants to fly down to the other end of canada, and buy a cheap car and drive back for 2 weekes just checking out canada? I think its something that really needs to be done, I mean actually that would be so sweet. Who wants to signe up with me, there can be a total of 5 of us if we get a car or we could get a sweet lurker van and have 7 or 8... whos down?

"Oh Deer"

2006-06-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

So good thing I decided to go to the movies in a town an hour from my house, becasue wanna know what I did? As I was driving home from the break up, a very good movie that was both funny and made me cry even though I didn't exspect it, I got about 5 min out of the town with 3 of my good friends when all of a sudden what happened? but I hit a deer. I full out hit a deer, and hurt it really really bad. Naturally Im a bit of a spaz... so I freeked out and started to screem and freek out and finally managed to pull over and it took me a couple of mineuts to figure out what happened, I actually don't remember anything other than oh wow, theres a deer and then there is no deer and me screeming. So yeah none of the jerks behind me decided to stop with was really nice of them... but a young couple going the opposite direction did, they came and made sure everything was ok, and then the young guy when off and sent the deer off to a better place becasue I had hurt it really badly... I feel SO bad about it, then I finally did it, I looked at my car, thats not even a year old... The hood is messed up, I apparently need a new front bumber, new lights, a new hood, some things need fixing in the actual engine, a new side panel, and a new door... sweet hey. So naturally the cops came and did a report or what ever it is that they do, and we drove off even though it wans't really safe to drive, when home and I just cried... it was really not a fun exsperience for me, nore my friends. Then the next dayI took my car in to the fix it place, and its not safe for the road so I got a rental, super nice car for a rental that I wasn't even paying for, but then today I got switched to a geo metra, that smells like wet dog and shakes when I get up to 75 + km/h. Pretty lame if you ask me, but I guess I should count my blessing that nothing worse happened. And now im so lame, I can't even stand myself, I keep having dreems of being in car accidents and it scaring me, and Im mad at old buddie becasue for some odd reason I though that he would care more than he did about my (for me) tramatic exsperience.

On a nother note, the bad kids that I look after arent geting anybetter, one spat in my rental car yesterday, and the dad didn't even pay me, he was like "I'll get you next time". um its times like this that I wish that I could just speak my mind.
best songs ever right now
Lullaby- Dixi Chicks
Dancing when the stars go blue- Tim McGraw
other than that I just wanted to say I love my friends and I don't know what I would do withough you all.
Thank and where should I live next year guy? any Ideas? Im beginning to freek out big time, I mean if you know me you understand how im acting, seriousley, freeking out, big time, Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Im being emo, or maby im just being me, who knows really.
Pictures of my car coming soon.
Oh and apperently the deer had one caraboo antler and one deer antler, so im just gonna go ahead and say I killed the first deeraboo. Great. Bet that looks super good to everyone.

standing on the landing

2006-06-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

So I have recently had quite the event full week and a half.
First I went to kelowna and had a great time there with my girlfriends and some other friends, good times may have messed up a friendship, but thats neither here nore there for the moment. Looks like I have some friends that may come up and visit me in the near future, WOO HOOO!
One bad part of that trip that im going to ignore for the rest of the time that I find it huminaly possible to is that my room mate and one of my best friends isn't coming back to school after christmas and is rather going to mexico for the second semester. Great hey, like what the fuck am I suposed to do about that now, its not like im the type of person that can live with just anyone. Oh well im gonna try to not think about it so I don't get worked up. But yeah It was super duper to hang out with my friends, and for the first time I did something completley unplande and crazy (for who I am at least) I went and got my hair cut spur of the moment.
So yeah then It was my sisters grad and my buddie D came and visited with me for the weekend, probably will turn out to be the last time I get to see him before school starts again but at least I got to see him. Everyone in nelson that was old enough to have a crush had one on him it was kinda funny the entire weekend I had people come up to me any my family and tell us how good looking he was haha made me laugh at least. I think I may have messed up by having him come out in one sence because now if I ever have someone else come out to hang out with my family and friends there totally not going to make the cut becasue D set such high standards. He ran with my dad, helped my grandma walk, lisitened to my uncles odd joakes, bought my mom a hanging basked and let my sisters mock him all they wanted to and didn't let it bug him.

the only was I spend my time now is trying to loose it

2006-05-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

IM SO BOARD AND NEEDY
I'm tired of being here and I feel like im doing nothing with my life, and that ive made some mistakes that are going to fuck me over in the end. AND I DON"T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!!!! I love it here sometimes, but right now theres nothing going on and its fricking crappy. FUCK. Im just frustrated, maby ill end up doing something sweet in while but for now I DON'T want to be here at all... And apparently everything that I do around here right now is wrong, and im not suposed to do things the way im doing it, and according to my parents, I "need to grow up" well fuck that. Im as grown up as im going to get right now. GAHHHHHHH, im so frustrated.

mens night

2006-05-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

so one night a while back marn and i decided to be uber sweet, so naturally what do we do?
1) drink beer,
2) watch hockey on the couch
3) eat chips
we officially were men that night, and we loved it. Thats us representing the canucks, we had pompoms and a foam finger too, and no, i still don't care about hockey.

kickininee

2006-05-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

this is a big eff you to fest of ales. i just wanted to let you know that we had a sweet time anyways. we went to a park and hung out taking sweet pictures including people on the toilet (not as wierd as it sounds) and karyn sitting on bird dropings to word it as nicley as possible. the best part is that there wasn't even a need to add beer to make it a good time, one way to know that your really among frineds; you don't need to be drunk to enjoy their company.

nights alive

2006-04-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

So, I went to vancouver last night for the first time in a long time. It was awesome, didn't have much time there and didn't get to see anyone but i just hearted being there... lots of good times to be had for sure next time I go back.
So note to self 3 alarm clocks plus time change does not equal waking up on time... nope it sure dosn't i means waking up in time to be late, or in other words exactly an hourl late... funny how that happens with time changes... I even looked at the clock in the hotel early this morning and thought to myself 'wow, i didn't know that hotel colocks changed automatically when there were time changes" don't know why i thought that but i did... and now you think im stupid... but thats ok... so yeah...
question?
What do you do when your exstremly christian friend is trying to take your shirt off when your talking on the phone with your dad?
wanna let me know so if it happens again its not so freeking aquward and my dad dosn't have to say "should I call back later" um thats not imbarising... hope im still my daddy's little girl...

I am sweet.... my sports bag

2006-03-29T22:24:00.000-08:00

WEll, I have a lession for you all.

So this is how to have a non relationship... it goes a little something like this.

Make sure you take him back to your place when your really really drunk
Then when this is done you see each other freaquently and it is slightly acquard.
Then he comes back to your place again that weekend...
Things gradually get less acquard... you talk a little more in public but have great conversations on MSN and the phone... very highschool.
He continues to come over on weekends...
You both part for the summer.
Summers don't count.
You see each other once and have a fantastic day and night and day together.
Part your seperate ways once more.
School starts up again,
you both look end of summer fine.
Things start back up again,
This time you hang out every day together,
This last for months,
Then one day someone else enters the situtation, but no one says anything becasue your not actually "together" and you don't know the protocall
This happens once more... same situtation
A month passes, pretending nothings bothering you
One day you start to cry and you have to have a talk and things are wierd and sad.
Still, though the relationship drama, you are still not calling whats going on a relationship
You get over it.
He gets over it.
Neither of you ever really get over it.
You don't know what to do,
Hes going like nothing happened.
You still don't know what to do,
He thinks you don't like him,
He lets go
You get thememo in the mail 2 weekes to late.
You have to learn to let go,
just after you've learn't to forgive.

I gave it all to you, with no questions asked

2006-03-26T19:35:00.000-08:00

I gave it all to you, with no questions asked, I wanted a future who cares about the past, that first argument you abandonment, ive see a change in you words I wonte accept. I thought I lost you. The man I thought I knew would do me no harm. But then again hes just a boy. So yeah last weekend was st. Patties, naturally this means that no one goes home alone. Check, i believe that we all got that one down. Good for us... brothers tanner brothers. So yeah I was a bit of a gong show... little imbarased abuout tall that. Wpre drank chez moi and then went to a house party that I remember very little of but I do remember being yelled at by one of buddies old playmates. Sweet. didn't know that I was the root of all your life's problmes... pretty sure im not so hows about you eff off? just an Idea.
So yeah leave house party go the club, lines super long so we go to the stippers to use the bathroom, if that dosn't spell class than im pretty sure I don't know what does...
Buddies there with one of my good friend... sweet.... has his ares around her... even sweeter... oh what? are they talking about the last sleep over they had... thats right they are... this gets an A++ on the sweetness scale. In my drunken stupor I cry a little and they leave. so yeah thats sweet. then can't seem to get away from them...
Thought he was one of my best friends but i guess not, for the last week he has avoided me like its his job. sweet ass face. Then today hes all sorry and I totally called him on everything, let him know that hes gonna have to work to get my friend ship back... lets see what he does with this... pretty sure he needs to grow up, at least he realises that he fucked up bad this time.
So yeah then last weekend was kinda spent with this guy that i kinda "know" and that was fun... don't wanna get to know him really though... ah well.
So now on to fun things... this was last night... or i guess the picture is at the top, good thing i have mad computer skills.. anyhoo, that was last night and that was fun.

sucking at life for at least the next six weeks.

2006-03-15T23:00:00.000-08:00

So St. Patties is two days away.

My plans for the day? get super duper duper drunk and not care about anything anymore at all ever again. I don't want to care. Get me several pitchers of green beer and a funnell and let me have at 'er.

Ok so not actually the way that im going to deal with my problems. However it is the way that I would like to... These next 6 weeks are going to be hell, and you know what the next several weeks after that are gonna suck too, hell it may be as much as the next 5 months. Who dosn't hate the thought of being seperated from their bestes of friends for months on end?

Hes over me im not over him is the long and short of it. add another level of that cake of same, on of my friends asked me yesterday in alot more words than this if i could give her the ok to be with him, well not be with him but like do stuff with him for the next month till schools out. Im pretty sure I talked myself around in circles for about a half and hour and we left both just as confused as we did, if not more so than when we started to talk. Its hard when you care so much about someone when they don't care about you back. Its tiring, and hurts.

On a happier note, I found a really hot guy at flashbacks and yeah he seems to be pretty good times, even if hes super stupid hes good looking. and good news number two I got hired for a job that I had completley forgotten about that should be really fun and its doing what i enjoy doing and would like to think i do an ok job at... organizing activities for people. YESSSSSS how kick as is that. And the best part is taht i get paied decent. good news number 3 marnies defenatly on the road to recovery and looking great, and good news number 4, it sounds like my bud liam is doing good and is really happy. good news number 5 shane koynts... or somthing like that is kick ass

Live through this, and you won't look back...

2006-03-05T00:24:00.000-08:00

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

honey, give me some sugar

2006-03-04T22:25:00.000-08:00

Honey bees' wings beat 11,400 times per minute.

I don't have a clear way to word all the thought that are going on in my mind. Theres so much going on up there. I though I may as well stunn you with some of my intense knoweldge instead of going on to do what im about to do... mumble till I can kinda get out what I want to. Nothing you haven't herd before but something none the less.

thougth 1) Im holding on, dosn't necessarly make sense that I do so,I guess im waiting for somthing to happen wether or not it actually does.

thought 2) Im taking on to much. I start work next week, im on several comittees and im a full time sudent. Can I do it all? I know that others can... but can I?

thought 3) Is it a mistake not to go home this summer? Its probably the last time my family will all be together?

thought 4) How much does my constant emotionalness bug people other than myself?

thought 5) If I stop doing some stuff will I be less emotional

thougth 6) Yes... back to this... Will he ever care about me again like I care about him.

thought 7) Why do I keep having such crazy dreams?

thought 8) I need to spend more time lisiting to what other people have to say or im going to start driving them away.

thought 9) Don't blog about stupid shit anymore. No one wants to read it.

thought 10) Im having a fricking lamo time finding a DJ for this stupid even that im putting on.

thought 11) The girl that lives down stiars is fucking retarde. I was sitting on my patio minding my own busness reading a book for class and she threw bird seed at me. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT. then she giggles. um not cute hore. Now her music and more importantly base is so loud that its making everthing in my apartment shake. Thats bull shit. If I wansn't so "nice" ide go down there and tell her to shut the fuck up. But luckly for her thats not who I am and thats not who buddie is either... frick.

thought 12) Why does that chick always have to be so rude and mean to me? If she has a problem take it up with buddie... its not my fault... its his... so go take a tranquilazar dart to the treak and chill out. I don't hate you.

thought 13) Sue johansen is kick ass... i recomend that everyone go see her and learn something. asap.

thought 14) Ive ogranized everything as much as I can but I still feel frazzeled like im not going to be able to get it all done. Panic

thought 15) My roomates gone for the weekend and im home alone and being so lame and very much alone and kinda sad. I even have things to do... why am I being like this?

thought 16) I want marnie to get better imediatly if not sooner.

thought 17) I want to how to say what I actually want to.

thought 18) finish my book

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

2006-02-26T16:28:00.000-08:00

So I got a phone call from marnie on thursday and said can I call you back. Little did I know that she was hurting and going to the hospital. Found out the next morning and rushed over there as soon as I was able to. I can't stand seeing her in so much pain. She was good and druged up though. Im a bad friend. Who says "can I call you back?" I deserve to be shuned and put in the corner or something. Anyhoo... im loosing faith in the medical system, hey guys... didn't you get the memo? your suposed to find out whats wrong with her... so yeah she got sent home. next day buddie and I went to get her tire becasue it was flat... took it in wasn't fixable, so we went back and got a new tire, were regulars at kal tire by this time... I imbarised buddie when we went in becasue I call the spair tire the baby tire... apparently thats not the thing to do around auto mecanics... ah well. Buddie has deffenatly gained alot of respect around here. He spent probably 3 hours fixing the tire situataion and then drove me and marnie to the clinic only to take the bus home to be 3 hours late for what he had planed. Hes really a good guy. So yeah yesterday was spent at the hospital as well as much of today... marnies mama came out today so that should help things. They stuck her and me becasue I was the tag along yesterday in the psyco room of the ER, if you wernt crazy going in you sure were leaving... gaush.... anyhoo they were practically usless, kinda pretended like we wernt there most of the time. Shes still in the hospital and is going to be there for a while still. I think im gonna have to put up some more postits at the hospital noting that they need to fix her... good plan im thinking

silently invisable

2006-02-21T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well fuck today.
This is the letter that I got today.
Dear Natasha,
CONGRADULATIONS!
You are almost good enough. We would like you to waste 2 weeks of your summer to come and train for us just incase someone gets fired or quits so that you can take their place at the job that we don't actually want you for. We are not actually wanting to hire you as you are not good enough. Hope we shat on your day to the point that you don't want to work for us.
UBC

Ever feel like everything that you do no matter how big or small goes unnoticed?
Ever feel like everything you do gets someone else a pat on the back?
Ever feel like no one sees you?
Ever feel like theres no point in pretending to be happy anymore?

I do.

a tall glass of water, oh will

2006-02-20T22:17:00.000-08:00

conversation between me and stupid:
me "Hey stupid, one question before you go?...."
"what way to the beach?"
stupid " that way, (points in direction while flexing arm)"
ah i heart this game, it makes me smile every time... im simple.
Today SUCKED!!!!!
I had a midterm today and it was really hard. I got a midterm back today and I did really bad, I went to the meeting that I had and the big event that I had spent hours getting ready, and spent hours on the phone with people I don't know or like talking to just to go to this meeting to find out that no, its not going to happen. Fuck that. It was lame.
I made stupid wate for me to drive me home becasue I forgot my wallet... Couldn't take books out for my paper thats due tomorrow... I was a hlf hour late... and I felt bad about it then we drove home and he tried to make me feel better. Didn't work. Then I got home and buddie upstairs came down and asked me what was wong and I cried with him makeing me feel better for an hour... yes im just that sweet. I HATE TODAY. And then stupid came over and i was uber bitch. and then he went home and he some how made me happy on msn.... and then buddie up stairs came down and picked me up and wouldn't put me down...I hate it when people pick me up... i hate it. we (me marn and tan) did a skitt from SNL tonight over the phone, if thats not a pick me up i don't know what is... I heart will farrell.... I heart you... will do you wanna hang out, and yes i know you well enough to call you will.

Turn left at the Shell station.

2006-02-18T23:12:00.000-08:00

so me and big stupid drove home today. or "home" don't really know what to call it. It was nice and sunny out. Made him come and get a new toy with me before we left. Im gonna have so much fun with it now. Hours spent already... good times... wow. So yeah the driver was good we talked alot and I had a good time at least and thats what matters to me. Im going to miss my family. But I guess we all have to grow up at some time. I like it when the two of us driver together, its kinda silly thought between the 2 of use being gone for a combined time of one week, we filled my entire car. Um ok like we really needed it all. ah well I never tried to pretend that I pack light.

Stuck in a bad 1940's love song.

2006-02-17T22:44:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like everything you are doing has been done before?
That you keep going around in circles?
The same words from his mouth,
The same stories told.
Words that make you laugh,
make you cry
Words that arent your own,
but shared with those around you.
Sounds that can't be ignored,
that cant be forgoten
Feelings that last,
that no longer belong.

Im in this state of unknowing and its driving me mad. Im gonna go with what happens. After all isn't everything suposed to happen for a reason?
Just don't let my reason be fear.

Longing for the days that were but wernt.

2006-02-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

Ok so my little sister has a guy,
He is seriousley kick ass,
I may have convinced him to come to come to my school next year
That would be hella awesome. (marnie lingo)
They are so cute.
It remindes me of earlier days.
I wanna be cute with someone,
and I know who that someone is.
Do you someone wanna be cute with me?
Can we sit on the couch and cuddle?
Kanoodle?
Hold hands?
look cute?
Please RSVP to me on the asap.
heart

Its days like these that make me smile

2006-02-15T22:04:00.000-08:00

I went for a walk with my dad today. We talked about history and curent events. It was really nice. We used to go canoeing together in the summer but I didn't live at home this last summer so that wasn't really a possibility. Im very glad that we did that, hopefully we can do it again tomorrow. What can I say im a daddy's girl.

On another note my body has decided to betray me, It has decided to reject food for them moment. Probably for a reason, too bad im at home and everything taists 100 times better than in kelowna...

My friend tanner pointed out to me today, after I sent her the beginings of my story, that I fell for him straight off the bat, I hate finding things out like that. The stuff you know is true but you don't really wanna let yourself know is true.

Gonna go back to me university home land in a couple of days... Lets hope I get a little more work done than I have so far before I go back.

Happy valentines day to me.

2006-02-14T22:43:00.000-08:00

We, lets see today is valentines day and I am officially single. Sweet hey. I don't know why everyone gets so mess up over the day. I got a bunch of chocolats from a friend, im happy...

But keeping with the fact that it is infact a holiday that permotes not being alone, I did what every singe girl really should do. I went to a girlfriends house and we talked about how stupid boys can be. True story. They can be stupid. I said happy valentines day to "my" guy today, (were 4 hours apart, me with a sad face) and he siad you too... hum im pretty sure that deserves an aploise idoit.

Called buddie upstairs today we talked on the phone for an hour... I miss him oddly enough even though weve only had a one month friendship, I guess it the whole new thing. Were looking for something wrong with the new girl, decided that its not fiar to judge her on her age. He came up with a good little description of it actaully... its like when you go into the SPCA and you see the doggies there, there all cute but you don't really form a conection... you take a dog for a walk and play with it, its your new best friend and you want to take it home...

So it appears taht my alergies are getting the best of me, something that I ate today, probably a chocolat had a nut in it and i totally couldn't breath and just about passed out... good thing i pretended it didn't happen and went to my room and literally passed out there for a good while... stupid nuts of all forms...

I saw pictures of my friends wedding... I almost wanted to jump on a plane and go to edmonton and kick her, well, husband in the ass. He word a led zepplin t-shit and a pair or tear away track pants to get married. What a frigging idioit. On a scale of one to a bazillion bad things to do thats probably one of the worst things... anyone else think that hes a retard (meaning he has an IQ of 70 or less, when the average is 100; the one and only thing that I learnt in psyc 121 this term)

Are you sure its reading break?

2006-02-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

Thus far, this reading break has been anything but the classic university spring break. Ive only dranken once, and that was 5 days ago. I am officially LAME.
Dear Bacardi,
Please send me emediatly if not sooner, a 60 pounder of your finest coconut rum stat, I need to get loaded at some crazy party and do crazy university things, this is pretty much the only chance that Im ever going to get to act like an idoit withought being looked at like im crazy.
Moving on, my sister is more like me than ever before. There is too a boy that likes her and they don't know what they are, they are together but there not. Hes actually so hot in this like emo/punk/athletic way... odd i know, but hes only a couple of months younger than me so its not creepy that I think hes hot... anyhoo
So buddie upstairs went out with starbucks girl, hes 23 by the way, and yeah she said she was 18, (his age limit) and then he gets home and she sends him an e-mail thats like im 17... um eww...? anyone else think that might be just a bit young? He can't even argue that shes really mature for 17 because clearly she isn't if shes telling him shes 18... but he likes her... Im going to have to call him and talk to him about all this.
Ive decided that andrew is too imature for me, I know ninja's are sweet to a certin exstent but not to the point that he thinks they are cool, hes still pretty highschool for me, speaking of which I totally went back to my old highschool today to watch my sisters last home b-ball game of the year, she kicked some serious ass scoring 1/4 of her teams points. yeah shayla. Back to andrew I like him but I don't I think the youngest that I can go at this point and time is 20, maby even 22... I just can't do the highschool thing anymore, its kinda lamo to the point of no exstent.
I went shopping with my mom today, got 2 pairs of glasses and a north face vest... very happy I am...
So who wants to get drunk?

Saved by a good 'ol cowboy

2006-02-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do
-Rascal Flatts

I had a long time today to think. I drove for 4 and a bit hours alone. Every time I hit a bumb or something I convinced myslef that I had a flat tire, I never did but I don't know what I would do if it were to happen.
Sometimes im such a "girl" that it scares me, I couldn't get my gas cap off today, I had to get an old cowboy to do it for me. Im lame, guys like it to a certain exstent ive been told but im not even being stupid for them, I actually just can't do things that have to do with my car. New life goal, not to be car stupid. Done, now moving on to more pressing matters...
While driving I literally went though every emotion possible, I laughed, cried and everything in between. I promise that I am really trying not to love him for now. I can't do it though, I think about him and its fondly, I don't like how I can just brush off whats happened with such ease thought it some what un nerves me... I had 4 hours to myself, all to myself it was kinda wierd, I thougth alot, I want to make it so that theres no need for him to even think of other girls, but I don't want to compramise who I am, so that makes it kinda hard. I don't like how I can't trust that hes not going to her place. Were not together, but I still feel a sense that hes mine just a little. Any sujestions on how to keep him in line? let me know...
Ive been totally emotional this year, last year I swear I didn't have emotions. I duno whats going on with me really, I think I want it to stop, Its easier when you just go with the flow.
I read some of my journal entries from last year in droms, Im uber lame, but I think I got some good stuff for my "book" get ready everyone becasue its a coming along.
I just want him to love me, read the lyrics at the top, its pretty much me summed up in a good 'ol country song.

I don't know hockey

2006-02-12T00:41:00.000-08:00

Dear boys,
I don't know anything about hockey. I don't know if its actually called a side off or an off side. Im only intrested in hockey beacsue of you. Lets not kid ourselves. I literally know nothing about hockey. My freind keeps coming over and talking to me about all these hockey terms and stuff and how they were playing and asking me about it and the likes beause obviousley because the guy im psuedo with / am best friends with is good at it. No. Not the case, I know nothing. Even"my" guy seems to think that I can be a good judge of how the game went... as far as im concerned weather or not you won should be a good census of that... Silly boys... im only there to give you the little ego boost that you need, that and I like to see you play sports. Please don't take this as an imsult you should be happy that you can get me involved in hockey as you have, I have gone to see three, count em three hockey games this year. Thats pretty darn good for me considering I maby have seen that many over the entire rest of my life... so yeah just wanted to throw it out there that you probably shouldn't talk to me about hockey anymore becase as ive said I know nothing, I just like you playing hockey beacuse it makes you hot and becase your good I can brage about it to people.

Today one of his freinds was like are you going to start being a frequent at our games like the other girlfriends? hum... what does this mean? I don't even know where to begin to start analizing these things... who has he been talking to and what has he been saying. I know He got kinda jelous the other day... told me about it in his drunken state... hum...

rent to own, the blanket is mine

2006-02-11T16:43:00.000-08:00

So today was as interesting a day as you can get I figure. It was really just me being lamo and looking for a new pair of glasses because recently in the worst week of my life my pair broke. I brought the guy that lives upstairs with me to look at glasses and ended up taking about a billion pics of me with different glasses to see what they look like for real. A little much? This is a serious piece of facial wear people... Then somewhere along the way I managed to get him to ask out this girl that he thinks is pretty. Probably a bad move kuz if he starts dating this girl im never going to see him any more and well that’s just going to be lame, I heart having someone that is wrapped up in their own life but still listens. He is as defined by marnie, a Kelowna sexual, not to be min with metro sexual. Now a Kelowna sexual is for a guy someone that shops at American eagle, drives a jeep, and has the slightly longer flippy hair or short classics guy cut. For a girl it is slightly slow, rich, drives a sunfire, wears tight clothing and short skirts year round. So yeah he’s like the guy that cares about himself but doesn’t go to the existent of looking after himself as the metro sexual does... defiantly not the Neanderthal that is not so uncommon to find around either.
So moving on the guy that I have/had a thing with had a hockey game tonight so I dragged a couple of friends along. The game sucked to say the least. Althought he was good and scored 2 goals... sigh... I did get some candy and a back rub out of it though so that was cool. Im curled up in his blanket right now, I told him the other day that its mine now, that there’s no chance of him getting it back, I really do heart this blanket its so warm and cozy is it wrong that Im totally planning to keep it even though we have gone though a "divorce"? I think i deserve it after all I did give him literally everything. Its mine.
Some buddies of mine are in town tonight, im kind of avoiding them for several reasons, hope that’s not totally bitchy of me, ah well ill get over it and if they don't well that’s just to bad for them...
Im going to my original home land in a couple of days, not so sure how that’s gonna go but well see just the same, Im pretty sure im gonna get a really sweet vest from my dad for his b-day. Stoked on that one, not stoked on having to drive the 4 hours over 2 passes by myself... At least my special friend is gonna drive me back here.